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Confessions of an
11-year-old Screenwriter
FADE IN:
INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CLASSROOM- DAY
The room is silent save for the small voice of a red-headed GIRL at the front of the room, holding a piece of paper and shaking like a leaf. The entire CLASS OF STUDENTS strains to hear, leaning forward in their chairs that have been carefully arranged in a large horseshoe shape, as the girl stares at her shoes and mumbles.
Directly behind the girl hangs a banner on the blackboard reading, “CAREER DAY” in large blue letters. Next to the board, sits MR. GREEN, the stressed-out teacher, trying to hold a fake smile as he watches the girl.
GIRL
And then I could wash hair and cut hair and that’s what I’d do if I worked as a beautician.
Mr. Green leads the group in applause as the girl runs to her seat, dropping her piece of paper on the ground.
The BOY to her right gets up and goes to the front of the room.
BOY
I want to be a fireman because I like fires and then I could learn how to set them and put them out without getting in trouble and you get to slide down the pole and run to the truck and that’s awesome.
MR. GREEN
Anything else?
BOY
You get to drive real fast
The boy shrugs his shoulders.
BOY
(Con’t)
That’s about it.
Again, Mr. Green is the first one to clap LOUDLY and the first one to stop. He looks down at his clipboard.
MR. GREEN
All right, who’s next? Jen Johans, you’re up.
JEN JOHANS gets out of her seat and goes to the front of the room. She is very tall for her age, skinny, with brown hair and it is apparent that she is slightly clumsy and a bit self-conscious. As she stands, she covers the bottom half of the Career Day banner and waits for the room to quiet down.
MR. GREEN
(Con’t)
And how about you?
JEN
I want to be Woody Allen.
The students in the classroom look confused as the teacher frowns and scratches his chin.
MR. GREEN
I’m afraid you misunderstood. Woody Allen is a person. What do you want to be when you grow up.
JEN
A staff writer on “Seinfeld.”
ADULT JEN (V.O.)
It was a strange goal for an eleven year-old from Minnesota but then again, I’d always been a strange kid. In 1992, most kids my age were getting into Pearl Jam, skateboarding and Sonic The Hedgehog. I liked neurotic East Coast Jewish comedians.